An Old Friend Comes Out To Play
by J. Carax
Summary: Voldemort wakes up one day to a very nice surprise. It's a shame it's this very miracle that allows Harry to carry out the Dark Lord's demise in a most unconventional matter. Full of subtle and not-so-subtle penis humour, enjoy!


**A/N: Just a little drabble/one-shot thought up in a ****convo**** my friend and I were having about the prophecy, and how it can be taken in so many different ways… Told from ****verrrrrrrry**** soon post-****OotP**

**Important note! Do not continue if you're offended by sexual content. ****This, and the M rating, have**** warned you.**

**I do not own Harry Potter. **

**XXX**

The morning after his failed attempt to seize the prophecy from the Department of Mysteries, Lord Voldemort woke up to a very pleasant surprise. He was flying a flag off of his morning-wood pole.

Sighing in anger, Voldemort hissed out in Parseltongue. _Stop putting your tail in that position, __Nagini__. It wasn't amusing the first time, and it isn't now. _Ever since his rebirth, he had had certain problems in the penis department. Namely, he didn't have one.

_I'm over here, Master. _Answered Nagini, a good thirty feet opposite him on the other side of the chamber. Now, Nagini was no average snake in the size department, but she didn't have that kind of length.

It took Voldemort a while to get over his shock. Breaking out of it, he peeked under the sheets to see what was going on. With a gasp of excitement, he shed the first genuine smile that had appeared on his face for a long time.

_I'm a man again._

Getting up and putting a robe on, he was now wondering just why his old pal and come back all of a sudden.

"Severus, I need to speak with you about a most private matter!"

Now, some would find it odd that after regaining your Johnson, the first person you call into your room is another man. Well, Voldemort had gone fourteen years without sex, he could wait a little longer. What he needed at the moment was to find out why this miracle had occurred.

He disrobed shortly before Snape entered the room.

"You beckoned, My Lord? What in Merlin's-!?" Apparently he hadn't expected to see his Master in all of his pale, bony glory upon entering the chamber.

"Severus, you are the most intelligent of my Inner Circle. I need you to figure out something for me."

"Merlin, this isn't my punishment for not telling you the full prophecy, is it? I can take the Cruciatus you know, I really can…"

"It's not like that, you idiot!"

"I thought I was the most intelligent?"

"Among a group of fools, yes. Anyway, before you interrupted with your revolting accusation, I was about to ask you something important. While it returned me to my body, the rebirthing ritual did not see fit, for some reason or other, to return all of my parts along with me."

Snape's eyes widened in understanding, and disgust.

"Now, this morning I awakened with the first erection I've had in near fifteen years. I want you figure an answer as to why it's now returned to me."

The potions master paused to ponder this little development, and his keen mind came to a solution.

"I do have a theory, My Lord."

"Spit it out, then!"

"It's to do with the prophecy, about marking him as your equal. While Dumbledore figures you did that when you attacked his family that fateful Halloween, we both know that you were merely making your rounds."

He nodded, urging Snape to continue.

"You possessed him at the Department of Mysteries, did you not?"

Voldemort's head bobbed up and down once again.

"I think that is when you marked him as your equal. The prophecy recognized it as that kind of statement as you deemed his mind and body fit enough to… penetrate." Snape let out this last word with his characteristic sarcastic drawl.

"I believe that the prophecy has now righted things, and made you equal to Harry Potter, in a more literal and disturbing sense than we all imagined. Do you notice any difference in size?"

"It does seem a bit larger than I remember."

Snape mentally face planted at this admission.

"And I'd guess Potter has now gained a few inches in height. It really is a win-win situation."

Little did they know, they were being watched.

**XXX**

Harry Potter stood up from his four-poster in the Gryffindor dormitories after experiencing one of the most grotesque, if not informative nightmares of his life.

He was prepared to Scourgify his eyes, when a brilliant thought struck him.

_I can use this to my advantage._

It was the last day of term before the summer holidays. He had no time to waste.

His plan, if he pulled it off correctly, would truly be a testament to how hard he's been studying Occlumency lately.

**XXX**

Harry was walking around Hogwarts, casting diagnostic charms on any which he could find. A guy would also do just fine, he'd just really rather not take that alternative route.

He stopped as soon as his wand glowed red upon scanning a certain blonde which strolling past him. She turned to him and waved. "Hello Harry!" She then winked, and walked away. _Probably got it from Seamus, that man-whore.__Poor girl._

His friends had joked with him for a bit how he was Lavender's new target. He had actually begun to like her after that whole mishap (for there is no other word for it) with Cho. And hell, what better way to start a relationship than to kill a Dark Lord?

_Lavender Brown, you're about to help me kill Voldemort._ Though he quickly decided that though it was possibly the greatest pick-up line in the history of the known universe, he realized he didn't need to.

He quickened his pace and followed after her.

**XXX**

Two hours later, Harry sat up from his bed and grabbed his glasses, an amazingly naked Lavender now sleeping soundly.

Harry checked the bond between himself and Voldemort to see if he had been successful. _The connection's still there._ He confirmed, before laying back down.

That day with Lavender, he had opted to forego the contraception charm. It hadn't been too hard to convince her that he'd been able to do it wandlessly. The thing was, for what he wanted to happen, he couldn't cast that charm. He'd been scanning anybody in Hogwarts for, as it was known in the muggle world, AIDS, not that half-assed attempt at a virus referred to as HIV.

While easily cured in the wizarding world by taking one simple potion, not many arrogant pure bloods or dark lords could be bothered to know of its existence.

It had finally been Harry's turn to take advantage of the mind raping mechanism the connection between his and Voldemort's existences was. By keeping the connection open while pounding away at Lavenders glorious (and shaved) ham wallet, by contracting AIDS, he had also forced it upon Voldemort without him knowing.

He drifted into unconsciousness, keeping the bond open to check for any interesting developments. He'd go to the infirmary when he woke.

**XXX**

Voldemort was happier than he could have ever recalled being in a long time. While a Dark Lord bent on world destruction, he was also a hot-blooded male, and was overjoyed to have this instrument of torture added back into his arsenal.

Bellatrix entered a moment later. "Master, you called for me? Oh my…" Voldemort was not one for foreplay or romancing, he was ready to go right then at that moment. She licked her lips in anticipation.

"It's been a long time, Bella."

"Indeed it has…"

**XXX**

Harry forcefully ejaculated himself from his sleep. He didn't need to see any of that. Though his timing had been spot on. He'd gotten his revenge on Bellatrix much sooner than he'd expected to.

_Two birds with one stone._ He thought, strolling out of his dorm. He was heading down to the infirmary for the exact potion he hoped Voldemort would never take.

In the infirmary, he picked up two Anti-STD potions from a very disapproving Madam Pomfrey, and made his way out.

He made a mental note to ask Lavender for her floo address.

**XXX**

**A/N: And that's that! I know it's awful, perverted, and at parts downright disturbing, but it was fun to writ****e all the same. :) ****PLEASE REVIEW**** and tell me what you thought! Am I a sick bastard? ****A visionary?**** Or do I simply have too much time on my hands and not a swift enough recovery time? You tell me!**


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